Borderline Love
So here’s a story,
Of a girl who fell in love,
And had borderline personality.
Somehow she managed not to blow it all up,
Despite blowing mistakes out of proportion,
And taking unanswered texts,
And hanged up calls as utter rejection.
Therapy showed the objective situation,
To navigate a romantic nation,
With cute gifts, coffee dates,
Poetic manifestations and a lot of tough conversations.
A little psychology,
Don’t worry it won’t be lengthy,
What’s borderline personality?
A mental disorder that fucks you up internally,
Gives you depression, anxiety, and insecurity,
Coupled with an unstable self-image,
So that you constantly rapid cycling,
Between depression, apathy, and ecstasy.
It’s that hormone cocktail,
For which the bartender forgot the recipe,
And decided to serve you something,
Resembling “normality”,
That’s in reality completely neurotic.
Back to the love story,
The girl was me,
And I was twenty,
And there was this boy, you know,
Slightly cute, really smart, great hair,
And God did I fall in love,
Like one falls asleep,
Without realizing- slowly and steadily,
Till it starts to require effort-
Because I can’t date but I can relationship,
And he seemed special,
So that’s what I did.
I asked him out, he said yes,
And our bonding over library books,
And bad coffee,
Started to include cuddles and kisses sloppy.
He went from best friend to boyfriend,
And I could not believe that I could be this happy,
In reality and outside poetry
.
Except it’s tough to love
When you have a borderline personality,
And it’s tougher to be the object of our affection,
That sometimes borders on insanity,
Because here’s the thing darling,
My brain isn’t normal, it’s bloody neurotic,
It sees patterns where there are none,
I get separation anxiety; I am a mass of insecurities.
And that is why I asked my therapist,
Should I even be dating?
She said to be a “healthy functioning human being”,
Terms utterly foreign to me,
I need to prioritize my wants and needs,
And yes if I want to,
I should be with you,
And so the story continues.
Yet despite the cuddles and the kisses,
And the two pm chats over tea,
And the midnight memories,
Despite you listening to all my what-ifs,
And me trying my best to help with your anxiety,
And us setting healthy boundaries,
When we realized I did not have any,
And you being my first emergency
Of the” non-professional” variety,
That gave me the courage to resume therapy,
Coupled with my own insights and things,
Our relationship is only borderline healthy,
For we keep trying to pretend we are normal when we aren’t.
I am not a one-night stand darling,
Us borderlines are forever lovers,
We won’t slit our wrists for your attention,
But we might casually skip a meal,
Not because we are self-harming,
Or attention-hoes,
But because of our upbringing,
Which taught us that being loved is being taken care of.
And no one allowed us to love ourselves,
So we pour unconditional love,
On everyone we else.
Without realizing that we are being taken advantage of,
And then that scares us,
And remember most of our parents were narcissistic,
They unintentionally further fucked us up,
So either we will ignore all our red-flags,
Or over-think a discussion into a break-up,
And ruin a perfect thing.
For we need security,
Of which we never had any,
And that gives us abandonment issues,
Making us clingy,
And when you ask for space,
We start over-thinking,
And build up a story
Where you no longer want me.
Yea, this is my story. Moving on,
Vital to the survival of our relationship?
Communication and curiosity,
Because growing up under a narcissist,
With a brain that’s neurotic,
Taught me to put people on pedestals,
The whole taking care of thing,
We also discussed that in therapy.
I am getting better,
I have learnt to recognize my insecurities,
And get over my anxieties,
For here’s the thing,
I love you enough to see I need to be healthy,
For us and for me,
So thank you for showing me,
That I matter too,
With or without you.
And do what makes you happy,
But please don’t leave,
Unless it’s something big,
For self-image is a house of cards for me,
And I cannot take it shattering,
Not with a disorder named
Borderline personality.
And I am sorry,
I am constantly trying to balance
Love with the pedestal syndrome urge,
So yes when I feel I am doing you that disservice,
Well the me before therapy would have punished herself and slit her wrists,
But now I am just going to be erecting a wall for a bit,
Randomly,
Even though I know the only way to crush that pedestal,
Is to see your flawed, broken humanity,
So please tell me when I am trying to change you,
Into my perfect fantasy,
But don’t you dare not let me recognize,
The potential in you,
Whether you act on it or not,
Is for you to see,
But I will point it out baby.
Yes you had power over me,
I am taking that back now, thank you.
Thank you for never abusing it,
But just know I am constantly justifying,
Choosing you over every Tom, Dick, and Harry,
Even though my rational self doesn’t care,
That there are handsome, smarter men out there,
My neurotic self has never been taught
To choose happiness over perfection,
So yes I will put you on a pedestal,
And compare every guy I meet,
To find something in them to be lacking,
To justify choosing you,
Instead of just saying you make me happy,
Because what if they could too?
We discussed this in therapy too,
And they said I had vulnerability issues,
But hey I can be vulnerable around you,
Because I know you are flawed,
But you love me too,
Just like I love you.
Even if I question it sometimes,
And fear that we won’t be here in ten years,
For see the thing is,
I need a game plan for the days,
My head in the abyss,
And I do that by charting out my life,
But you don’t come with a guarantee,
Feelings seldom do,
And it would be unfair to ask you,
To promise me you’ll love me in a decade too,
But can you promise that you want to,
Still be in love with me for an eternity,
Because if you can’t,
You had better leave,
I go from relationship to marriage in a jiffy,
Oh wait, is that discussion too early?
For you see,
I don’t do casual,
For me there is no difference between,
Girlfriend, wife, and fiancé,
Commitment’s commitment to me,
So it’s either our wedding
Or your funeral baby.
Because I have rage issues too,
And I don’t understand the concept of waiting,
But I am willing to talk mid-grounds, boundaries,
Except I need a game plan darling,
And right now I don’t know where to factor you in.
Oh and another thing,
Everything we do,
Will be dissected in my head or in therapy,
So only stay if you can let that be,
For I need to constantly reassure myself of security,
I have been burnt too many times,
And while I am ready to throw off my baggage for you,
And take a leap of faith and trust,
Trust me, that ain’t easy to do,
And you are going to have to help me,
Make this work,
For it’s more work than regular relationships,
And I am in,
But think twice before you also dive in.
It’s not just coffee dates and flirting in poetry,
Though I promise there’s going to be loads of that too,
This a love story that’s hard to brew,
But isn’t the best coffee too?
And I will see the best in you,
But it’s going to be a little tough dealing with,
The human in you,
And sometimes I am going to throw my responsibility on you,
Please be patient with me then,
And talk about it,
In therapy if need be,
For a lot of our dates are going to be in a therapist’s office,
And I promise to listen patiently.
Sometimes I will do things completely out of the blue,
But change scares me so prior warning before you do?
It’s tough but it’s worth it,
I love making you happy, long as it’s healthy for me to,
And while I might not do slow and steady,
I win at fast and steady,
And despite what the internet says,
Us boderlines are not selfish or manipulative,
We are just a touch out of reality,
So love me if you want to experience fantasy,
But know that all magic comes at a price,
And mine is neurotic.
I am working on it,
You are not the reason for it,
Maybe a contributing factor
That keeps me in much-needed therapy,
So keep doing what you are doing,
But know that I am constantly healing and evolving,
And being with me means you’ll do that too.
For-
If relationships are a dance,
We are constantly
Unlearning old steps
While picking up new,
We need to keep pace
With one another,
So can you? Keep pace with me?
In bed and outside of it?
Sorry I just had to-
Throw in a quip.
Don’t call me girlfriend by the way,
It gives me insecurity,
It’s so temporary.
And why am I am outlining all our misery?
Instead of talking about the time you read to me,
And wrote poetry, For me,
And cooked five-course meals,
Giving my friends all the OTP feels?
Because I am in love with you,
And I could wax poetic about all
The happy generic things we do,
And the non-generic things we do,
And how we go on movie-dates,
And make poetry while making love,
And how you make me insanely happy,
And how I find you super cute,
Enough to break most of my rules,
And how I know you love me too,
Because even when angry you make sure,
To show me you do,
And how we can never really stay apart after a fight,
And how being angry at you is just impossible,
Not because I can’t be angry or things you don’t do,
But because we both want to make it work,
And put this above our egos,
I still feel it’s more me than you,
Who does that, I mean,
Not the whole “it’s not you, it’s me” line,
That I probably have or will use on you.
But no matter how far the insanity takes me,
I will return home to you,
I wish to.
So before I ask you- be mine?
I just wanted to tell you
What you are signing up for,
And that I really love you.
A/N- To read more of my work, grab a copy of my book at https://notionpress.com/read/diary-of-a-twenty-something
